


The Halloween party

by The_Hawk_Eye



Series: Drowning [1]
Category: BoJack Horseman
Genre: Angst, Depression, Drunkenness, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-19
Updated: 2018-09-19
Packaged: 2019-07-14 03:29:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16032059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Hawk_Eye/pseuds/The_Hawk_Eye
Summary: Pre-slash. Mr. Peanutbutter has never felt like a piece of garbage before and after what happened with Diane and Prickles he can't stop feeling like a fucking failure. And now he's spending the typical Halloween party in BoJack’s house by himself and glass of scotch always full.





	The Halloween party

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic here and with this ship! This last season has killed me and I think it's like a prequel to deal with more awful and unhealthy behaviour... but this is BoJack; what was I waiting?
> 
> English is not my first language so sorry for the mistakes.

Suddenly life is hard.

Mr. Peanutbutter has never felt like a piece of garbage before and after what happened with Diane and Prickles he can't stop feeling like a fucking failure. He has always seen himself as a good guy. He was the nice guy everybody loved because he was too simple and too good. But now he can't see himself like that ever again. He wanted to be honest with Prickles but at the end he didn't have the courage to give her the bad news about his atrocious actions which leaded to a chain of bad decisions that ended in spending the typical Halloween party in BoJack’s house by himself and glass of scotch always full.

He's a bad guy.

He's been the bad guy for years and only now he realizes that.

At least he didn't ruin Prickles with another horrible marriage that would have ended in a painful divorce after years of suffering because of him. They split before it would be too late for her. At least he could do that for her.

It feels so... Everything feels so wrong.

“Maybe you should stop drinking.” He hears BoJack says and Mr. Peanutbutter wants to laugh because this is unbelievable.

“I am not that drunk yet.” Which it’s true. He’s not wasted yet. Mr. Peanutbutter could have some more bottles of scotch before being drunk. He looks at BoJack who seems to be sober and looks nervous. Since when is BoJack the sober friend of the two of them? And suddenly it hits him that BoJack is not his friend obviously. After years of chasing him and calling BoJack his friend Mr. Peanutbutter realizes they’re not friends and probably he shouldn’t be doing this party at his house. He’s a moron, o rather he was a moron. “You never wanted to do this party.” He says. “Don’t worry I won’t come here next year.” Mr. Peanutbutter can destroy his own house with stupid parties full of people and alcohol.

“Don’t worry about that. I’m used to this party. I don’t even care anymore.” Bojack smiles like and it looks like he’s his friend but Mr. Peanutbutter moves his head to both sides. He knows better now.

“I can see now you never wanted to host this party and I will do it next year in my house.” It sounds weird to be this considerate for the first time in his life.

Some years ago BoJack would have been the happiest horse alive with this new but now everything is different. He has changed and considers Mr. Peanutbutter his friend, a nice person who, for some reason, could see only the good stuff in everyone, even in BoJack who has none. He has grown and now he values his relationship with Mr. Peanutbutter.

“Really, I don’t care. It’s a good tradition.” It’s strange but it’s true. It’s a good tradition in his life. Maybe there is too much alcohol around him but BoJack has learnt something about self-restrain so maybe this time he will remember saying they should repeat next year. And it’s nice having Mr. Peanutbutter around even in this dark phase. He’s going to say something else but Mr. Peanutbutter leaves with no word. Bojack observes him drinking and dancing and hitting on different girls. And he asks himself what the hell has happened to the nice dog he was just some months ago? It reminds him of himself which is a bad sign. He thinks about calling Diane she probably knows something that can help Mr. Peanutbutter.

BoJack is trying to be a better horse, a nicer one. This is a good moment to show the world he’s a considerate friend. He looks at the phone and doubts. Diane has been avoiding the topic of Mr. Peanutbutter and BoJack is not sure if he should bother her with this. Something happened after the divorce and maybe he shouldn’t remove their past. He smiles at himself because he’s thinking about others. He’s starting to be selfless and feels nice, next time he sees Princess Carolyn he should tell her. However, that doesn’t solve the Mr. Peanutbutter situation. He sighs and watches him, now he’s drinking from the bottle. It’s sad. Did he look as sad as him? Probably yes, or he looked even worse; Mr. Peanutbutter is very likeable still which makes him look less depressing. Although when he started drinking he was likeable as well. So now he’s almost certain he looked just like him; like a celebrity having too much fun in a party. He should try to stop him but he doesn’t know how. He can’t call Diane, maybe Princess Carolyn could help... No, she can’t help he thinks, she has a kid now. Todd is not another option since he’s spending some time with Emily at Halloween like some weird date. No he can’t get help from them. This is a good opportunity to show the others how selfless he is. So he’s going to be the one helping Mr. Peanutbutter.

Mr. Peanutbutter finishes the bottle and starts feeling dizzy. He’s thankfully for the numbness spreading through his body. This is exactly what he needs to forget how lonely he is this night. He’s never been alone in this party, ever. This is the first time he doesn’t have anyone by his side. Since he started his relationship with Katrina he has never been alone for more than one month; he doesn’t know how to, he can’t remember. The alcohol is a good solution to forget his misery and the fact he’s not a good dog and never has been. He has spent all his life trying to be the nice guy in everybody’s story and what for because in reality he’s... he’s... he can’t even think in a term to describe the kind of guy he really is. Is he a coward? A miserable? A egoistic? A what...? He’s lost.

He wants to call Katrina to tell how sorry he is for being such an awful husband and Jessica for the same exact reason. And for some seconds he thinks about calling Prickles to tell her the truth and reassure her over and over again that she wasn’t the problem that she never has been the problem. She’s a good girl. She is good. And he wants to call Diane to confess one more time he loves her, although he’s not sure if he loves her or if he just feels lonely and sad and being with Diane was the last time he was happy. Mr. Peanutbutter takes his mobile out from his pocket. It’s starting to look like a good idea.

He’s bad and the world should know that.

He could list all his flaws; the ones he knows he has now. Why did he never see them? Now he can’t stop thinking about the fact he’s not a good listener, he’s not a considerate person. He always tried to do what he wanted. People should know that. People shouldn’t think he’s the good guy in Hollywoo. He’s a bastard. Mr. Peanutbutter looks at his phone and tries to find Katrina’s contact in his phone.

“I’ve been there.” BoJack says next to him. “Making call while being drunk and saying stupid shit.”

“What?” Mr. Peanutbutter tries to focus his eyes on BoJack but it’s so difficult.

“Maybe you shouldn’t call now. It’s late.”

“Who cares?” He says and his voice sounds vicious. “I just want to leave them a voice mail.” It’s difficult to read in that state but Mr. Peanutbutter finds the name of Katrina.

BoJack finds hilarious the fact they’re having this conversation. Mr. Peanutbutter has always been so perfect so this situation is odd. BoJack could let him do the call nobody would blame him and he could enjoy the fact the perfect Mr. Peanutbutter is making a fool of himself. He watches him for some seconds, he looks nervous with his phone till he finds what he was looking for. Probably he’s going to call Diane or the waitress to tell one of them how miserable he is without them. He’s done that so many things before he is almost sure he knows what the other is going to say. Now that he almost sober he asks himself what he was thinking. Maybe he could ask Mr. Peanutbutter what logic he’s following right now. And maybe the call helps him to have a conversation with Diane which is something he desperately needs.

“Katrina!!” Mr. Peanutbutter says loudly. “It’s Mr. Peanutbutter.” He’s drunk but he hasn’t lost yet his cheerful tone. “I know it’s late...” He never finishes the sentence when the phone disappears from his hand.

BoJack has taken the phone. One thing is leaving a message to Diane who Mr. Peanutbutter still loves, or to... the waitress; but other is to leave a message for his first wife whom he doesn’t love anymore and he’s certain about that.

“Give me my phone!!!” BoJack doesn’t give him the phone and the two of them start fighting. BoJack knows Mr. Peanutbutter is stronger but after drinking too much and taking who knows what Mr. Peanutbutter ends on the ground. BoJack is trying to be a better person but sometimes he can’t help himself and finds things funny that are not funny at all.

“Why don’t we go to the balcony?” He proposes.

Mr. Peanutbutter looks at BoJack with confusion. He wasn’t expecting that, for what he knows BoJack hates him. This is the first time he approaches him to talk. Now that Mr. Peanutbutter is trying to actually pay attention to others he has realized BoJack has never talked to him since their friendship started. Their relationship has been always one-sided and Mr. Peanutbutter is confused because BoJack is talking to him on his own will.

“You could use the fresh air.” He adds and helps him to stand up and even guides him.

“Why are you being nice to me?” He asks when they’re outside. “We’re not friends.”

This time BoJack is the one confused. After decades of telling him they’re not friends and Mr. Peanutbutter not listening; now he realizes they’ve never been friends; the night BoJack decides to return his feelings. BoJack laughs. The timing is perfect.

“Why are you saying that?”

“Because we’re not. You’ve been saying for years we’re not friends.” He looks pissed and BoJack pities to poor dog. Whatever happened between him and Diane has destroyed his cheerful nature but not all is bad because now he listens. “Now I’m finally listening to you and acting on that. I won’t bother you again.”

“You shouldn’t take into account my old self.” He tries to sound friendly. “He sucked and wasn’t good with people.”

“Now you are good with people?”

“Not exactly.” He says scratching his hair. “Let’s say I am better with some people.” BoJack would like to say he’s not enjoying this but he has to admit it feels good. Since he left rehab this is the first time he has found someone who needs help and he’s trying to help and it feels nice. It is good to be on the other side of the conversation and not the drunk guy who is dying to keep drinking. He sees him drinking another sip from the bottle. “I’m trying to be responsible of my own happiness which is not easy.”

“Good for you.”

“You’re right, good for me. Good for BoJack. Let’s make a toast for that.” Mr. Peanutbutter doesn’t say anything or move which annoys him because he’s been working really hard. “You should be happy for me.” BoJack doesn’t want to brag about what he’s accomplish but he wants and he’s going to do it. “I have drunk only half a bottle in the party. I want to drink more but I am controlling my impulse which is not easy for a horse.”

“Can I have my phone?” Mr. Peanutbutter ignores him.

“Jezz you could be happy for me.”

“I don’t really care...” That sounds odd coming from him. Mr. Peanutbutter is always happy for everyone.

“What happened to you?” It’s not the right question because there is no way to answer that in a simple way. Shit happens to everyone, everyday. So the question is not what happened exactly.

“Life I guess... I’ve just realized I’m part of the population who makes the world worse and disgusting.”

“That’s dark.” BoJack thinks out loud. “Why would you say something like that? You’re one of the good guys.”

“I’m not.” He sounds tired. “I am a bad guy who destroys other people’s life.”

BoJack doesn’t know what to say. He’s been there and it’s not a nice place to be. There is too much self-hatred and disdain for oneself. He never thought Mr. Peanutbutter could end in that place. He’s usually a great guy.

“I’ve been there.” He says again after some seconds of silence.

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve been for years the person who calls others when I’m drunk, who hates himself and believes it’s the bad guy.”

“You’re not a bad guy...” BoJack laughs because of course Mr. Peanutbutter would think he’s not a bad guy when he has only been cold and a shitty friend and horse in general for several years just because he didn’t have the courage to confront the fact he had a chance to make things better.

“But I’ve done horrible, horrible things.” He responds. He searches for a cigarette it’s the only bad habit he still has and the one he’s not going to try quitting. “I don’t know what has provoked this to you but I am certain you’re not a bad guy.”

“I am not good.” He replies. He never intended to hurt anyone but that doesn’t change the fact that he actually hurt people. He doesn’t listen most of the time and when he does at the end he only hears what he wants. He did Diane miserable with his big stupid romantic gestures.

BoJack sighs. It’s a good moment to share his wisdom with another person. He’s going to illuminate the dark path of self-loading. Mr. Peanutbutter deserves to hear this. The world doesn’t need another broken celebrity in the magazines and for some reason BoJack doesn’t want that to happen to him. One thing he always envied from him was his capacity to be happy no matter what. He likes watching him happy; Mr. Peanutbutter has the weird ability to bright other people’s day even his. So watching him like this is heartbreaking for him. Being a Zoey doesn’t suit him at all.

“Good people don’t exist.” BoJack remembers Diane’s words. “Or bad people.” Now that he thinks about that again he realizes that tag is so toxic, no matter which one you choose for yourself or other people. There is a lot of pressure. “I mean... we’re people, just people. We’re not good or bad or evil...”

“I am bad.” Mr. Peanutbutter cuts him. “I know that for sure.”

“You said you’re listening now but you keep ignoring what I’m saying.” BoJack says slightly annoyed. He’s trying to do something nice here and Mr. Peanutbutter is not listening to him and the wise advice he’s about to give him. “Listen... I’ve done a lot of shitty things to people I love and my excuse for everything was that I was a horrible guy.” He has confronted this lot of times in rehab but it’s difficult to say it still and more in front of another person, or dog. “I hurt my friend’s feelings and then I felt shitty but after a while I just though I didn’t have other option because I was a bad guy. Or I did something awful and to make me feel less bad I told myself I was doing what a piece of garbage would do.”

“I’m sure you tried your best.”

“That’s the thing. I didn’t try because I told myself I couldn’t. I was a bad guy and bad guys didn’t have other options.” BoJack finishes his cigarette and lights another. “And then someone told me there is no such things as good or bad guys, just guys who sometimes do good stuff and others bad stuff.” Nowadays BoJack sees than that simplifies a lot what he’s done but Mr. Peanutbutter doesn’t need a complex explanation. “I don’t know what you feel guilty about but this is not the solution because I know this path too well and I know all the places you can go... Guilt is not a good companion.”

“I know that.” Mr. Peanutbutter accepts. However, it’s so difficult. Life was better when he thought he was a good boy, simpler. Now he has a lot of regrets and feels guilty about so many things he never knew they were his fault. “I guess but I don’t deserve...” It’s difficult to put his thoughts into words. “I’ve made people miserable and I deserved some kind of punishment and instead of that I had another wife to make her miserable.”

“Are you asking for some kind of punishment?”

“I guess... yes.”

“Well... that’s not gonna happen.” BoJack can see the way Mr. Peanutbutter’s expression changes. He’s devastated. “I can see you’ve had some kind of realization about your... wives and...” He doesn’t know what to say exactly. “Drinking is not going to change anything.” Mr. Peanutbutter knows that but BoJack knows it’s important to hear this because people tend to forget that alcohol doesn’t solve anything. “Alcohol makes you leave several embarrassing voice mails to people that don’t make things right after.” He has done that so many times. “And you will feel like shit next morning so not a good solution for anything.”

“I don’t know how to make things right for them.”

“Maybe you will never be able to make things right for them.” That sounds really depressing and not what Mr. Peanutbutter needs but BoJack is happy because this is not being a complete disaster. Mr. Peanutbutter is with him and he’s not starting a new bottle or calling his ex-wives so this is like a victory for him. It’s his first time helping others. “But next time you’re with someone you can try to be a better boyfriend.”

“I don’t deserve another wonderful girlfriend.”

“This is not about deserving anything but about trying to make more good stuff and less bad stuff that can hurt people.”

“You kind of sound like Diane.” Mr. Peanutbutter says with a sad smile and BoJack feels stupid for using her words because of course he is going to recognize them.

“She’s good at giving advices.”

“I wish I would have listened to her more.”

“Maybe it’s not too late...” He’s not sure about what he’s talking about. Is he telling him to go after her? Is that actually a good advice for them?

“That ship sailed long time ago and is better that way. Anyways I don’t deserve a wonderful girlfriend or in this case ex-wife.” He sounds lonely and BoJack connect with that feeling because he's been feeling like that all his life. Nobody should feel like that.

“You’re not alone. You have your wonderful friend BoJack.” He says and BoJack is aware he sounds like an idiot but it's the first thing his brain came up to. That makes Mr. Peanutbutter laughs.

“Cheers to that.” Mr. Peanutbutter takes a slip from his bottle.

“Now you’re drinking...” BoJack sounds petty and takes the bottle to drink a little. “Well... cheers to the fact I’m not completely wasted in the party.” BoJack ignores the fact he shouldn’t have drunk at all since he’s been in rehab but it’s easier to live with a bit of alcohol in his system.

“Is this what you feel when you realize you’re not like the good guy from your TVShow?” He asks.

Bojack is not sure about what to say. He’s always felt like a piece of shit but probably things got worse when he betrayed Herb and had to accept he was being a shitty friend and nothing like his character. After some seconds he decides it’s better not to say anything. Mr. Peanutbutter can interpret whatever he wants from that.

"It's just a crisis... It will be over it in no time." But Mr. Peanutbutter knows is not just a crisis.

“I’ve never lied in my life because that was wrong... and I didn’t do a lot of things because there were wrong and I didn’t want to be the kind of guy who does awful things to others but then... I realized I’ve been hurting people without being aware of that.” He’s not sure what he’s trying to say but he guesses everything will make sense eventually. “And after that I did something wrong and I lied and I tried to avoid... and lied more and... and then the proposal...” Maybe BoJack is not understanding exactly what he’s talking about but even now it’s difficult to say he cheated on Princkles and proposed to her just because he panicked. “I started doing awful things being conscious and I didn’t stop and kept doing even worse things...” Mr. Peanutbutter regrets a lot of things and the worst part is that he knows he had a chance to avoid that disgraceful behaviour. "I don't know what to do."

"I know what is like to be drowning." BoJack says because he understands Mr. Peanutbutter’s feelings perfectly. He’s drowning just like him. "I've been drowning all my life." He's not sure why he's saying this to him but BoJack wants to believe is going to help him.

"I've never felt like this." Mr. Peanutbutter looks at BoJack. He's scared to ask but he does it anyways. "Do you reach the surface?" He's not used to this. He hates this feeling and the fact he's been ruining the life of people he cared about. He never thought he could be that kind of guy but apparently he's been that kind of guy for years.

“Sometimes.” BoJack regrets this moment of honesty because he should have said that of course after a while everybody reaches the surface and is able to breathe again but instead he keeps talking. “From time to time you will remember you can swim.” BoJack expects Mr. Peanutbutter to say something as absurd like he knows how to swim because that is what he would have said a year ago but instead he remains quiet. “I guess someone has reached the surface but I don’t know how to do it.”

Mr. Peanutbutter takes the bottle and drinks. For some reason he doesn’t feel as bad as some seconds ago. This is his punishment. He’s alone and drunk in the Halloween party and doesn’t know what to do with his life anymore. He feels miserable and it’s a good thing. He thinks about what BoJack said; is it possible for someone like him to do good stuff? He could ask BoJack but he’s not sure if he’s ready for the truth. BoJack has been saying Diane’s words but maybe he doesn’t believe in them and Mr. Peanutbutter is not ready to hear that he can’t be better than this.

“You’re a nice guy.”

“I don’t feel like that anymore. I’m miserable and lonely.”

 “We could be miserable together.” Now it’s BoJack turns to take the bottle and drink. “We can be miserable people who try his best to be better people.” He feels lonely as well and in this moment, being with Mr. Peanutbutter, he wants to believe they’re better just by being together in this party. It's ironic how things change because one year ago he'd have said he hated Mr. Peanutbutter but now... He's been a good friend, a very oblivious and maddening friend, but a good friend nonetheless. And there is no one he would rather be at this party than Mr. Peanutbutter.

The two of them smile and that actually makes Mr. Peanutbutter feeling like he’s swimming and wants to believe BoJack feels the same; like he’s in the surface of the ocean and can breathe as long as this party last.

**Author's Note:**

> So... this wasn't the original idea but I guess I lost control over the characters and their sad way to deal with anything. I hope you enjoyed.
> 
> Kudos and comments are the Writer's food :)
> 
> [My Tumblr](https://the-hawk-eye-fics.tumblr.com/)


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